The doctor told the man to stop masturbating. When he asked "why?" the doctor said "because I'm trying to take your blood pressure"

 

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

 

Last time I went camping, I shot and killed a bear while in my pajamas....
I guess I'll never know why he was in my pajamas............

 

oh so you wanna hear a joke? ok...
womens rights

why dont women need umbrellas??
...doesnt rain in the kitchen

Haha had to, love ya ladies<3

 

John: I found my son sprawled out on the bathroom floor last night. Apparently he had swallowed some paint chips and some aspirin at the same time, and was racing them to see which he would digest first.
Derry: Sweet moses! what did you do?
John: I collected my winnings and got the hell out of there.

 

Milkman Dan: Karen, do you know about the theory of alternate realities?
Karen: No.
Milkman Dan: It states that there are billions of alternate universes just like ours, but with some small differences.
Karen: Wow.
Milkman Dan: For example there might be a universe out there where i didnt run over your puppy this morning...it just isnt this one.

 

Why don't woman need a car?

There isn't a road between the bed and the kitchen.

 

Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and asks, 'What is this, some sort of joke?'

 

not sure why i like this one so much, but it's a good one.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”