That is hillarious. I want to try that some time. I'd probably get tossed in the klink though. It would almost be worth it.

 

lol thats friggin great

 

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer and
sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at
a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all
left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and
one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it
there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks
the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back
to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want
to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and
he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

This is someone I would hire in a second!

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE...7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

***Old People Rock! ***

 

nice.

 

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

 

A young Southern boy goes off to college. About 1/3 of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

"Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

 

OMG I think i pissed my self laughing and my whole damn class is lookin at me now

 

i got a joke for ya guys.. haha..

my bro told me if a job goes through my car will be stage 3 or "4" aka uber

haha im still laughing. but will be so awesome if it happens. [:-]

 

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The ****", where a small **** is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The ****."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the ****, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years she returned to the plastic surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine."

"I've had to turn the **** many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the **** won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked closely at her and said "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee then."