cross-post, from another forum:

True Words
[/align]Can't Make This Stuff Up
[/align]
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________ _______
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.

 

"all your responses must be oral ok?"

"What school did you go to?"

"Oral"



[:-] what a MAROOON

 

lol i love the last one. i wish i coulda seen that lawyers face when he said that

 

Yeah... "he could bepracticing law somewhere"
I bet the judge crapped his pants
from laughing when he said that

[:-]

 

lmao those are all good, i ahd the judge ask me " is your father or guardian with you today?" (big guy standing next to me by the stand) i say yes, then he ask "is this you father next to you?" i was high and said no its my mother. i was the only one laughing, i thgoutht the judge was going to laught, but he didn't, it was bad. but ended up they knew eachother so it had nothign to do with my punishment (which was like a hundo and 6 months defferred)

 

Those are hella funny. I can't (nevermind my boss walked by, I can) believe people are that stupid.

 

lol those are funny

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....

 

Some Bill Maher -

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Lobster?


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards."


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
*** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis .


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
*******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
*******.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there,
or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27
months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do
you want fries with that?"

 

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

HAHAHAhahaha