is as bad as looking up your own symptoms on the internet (Every always looks like a brain tumour)

Some extra info, I tried turning it over again, and this time got two warning lights on computer - the first was the coolant warning message, then as I continued I got the big exclamation mark in a circle.

Okay, I've had the car up and gone over it but I think it's time to get the bumper off and have another look.

One thing about the car is that its been chip tuned, and I know that can cause HG problems. But anyway the hunt will continue for the leak before I strip it down. Now it's going to be harder to find because I can't get the bloomin' thing started

 

compression test that pig

 

well, your coolant is going somewhere. if its not staying in the resevoir and its not in the oil (have you drained to check?), do you have white smoke?
your 60km drive around town is triggering your coolant light? thats pretty serious. it going somewhere, fast. if it were my car, id check compression like faster said, drain oil, look for white smoke, and make damn sure you dont have puddles. if the head gasket was bad enough to trigger the coolant light in 60km, you could probably look down each hole and see which piston it is leaking at, let alone the spark plugs.

if everything you say is true, it sounds like a headgasket to me