I lol'd at the tachyon one. Being a physics major, I knew exactly what you were talking about. And brad, you're more or less exactly spot on with your assumption; unless the information I was given on tachyon's is incorrect, but from what I was told about them, they are indeed a theoretical subparticle the moves faster than the speed of light; the effect isn't quite as much that it goes back in time as it is that it arrives before you even knew it left. Or something like that lol

So this guy was driving to work one day, going faster than he should have been on account of he was late, when he passes a dumpster for a nearby construction site and sure enough, there was a cop parked behind it with his radar gun in full force. So the cop pulls the guy over and walks up and asks the guy what his hurry is. The guy replies "well, sir, I'm late for work, see." So the cop asks "and what is it you do for work?" To which the guy replies "well, I'm a rectum stretcher." Uncertain, the cop asks "... and what exactly do you do, as a, erm, rectum stretcher?" So the guy explains "well, first, I start by working one finger in and work the area, eventually stretching it enough to get a second finger in. I slowly keep working the hole until I can get a third finger, then a fourth and eventually my whole hand in there. (The cop is looking more and more uncertain, albeit a bit shocked at this point, but keeps listening) After getting my hand in successfully, I keep working at it, stretching it more and more until I can eventually get my other hand in (the cop looking aghast now, but still listening) and I keep stretching and stretching it until I get it to about six feet..." The cop cuts him off in a mix of disgust and utter confusion and asks "Now what in the hell does someone do with a six foot *** hole!??" To which the guy calmly replies "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him behind a dumpster." --Speeding ticket, $300; Traffic school, $120; look on cop's face? Priceless.

 

A school teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are on the titanic when that sumbitch starts to sink. The school teacher runs out on deck and yells "Get all the children onto the life boats first! We have to save the children!" Lawyer interrupts the teacher and says "Are ya kidding? **** the kids!" Priest runs out on deck, looks at the lawyer and says "You think we have time?"

 

btw, i think this website should be used liberally in this thread:

http://instantrimshot.com/

 

+1.... **** too short messages




pete and repete get on the boat, pete jumps off who is left?

 

Dept. of Transportation Winter storm tips for traveling.....

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including coats, hats and gloves
24 hours worth of food
Rock salt
Flashlight and spare batteries
Road flares or reflective triangles
Empty gas can
Booster cables.......

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

 

^lol i like that one.

So a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "what is this a ****** joke?"

.....

 

OK, no schitt, this RILLY happend to ME...

walked into a bar and, as I sat down with my beer, I noticed a long line of people lined up in front of a donkey yelling stupid & funny saying at it, each in turn.

After a while curiousity got teh better of me and I asked teh bartender what was up with all that nonsense going on at the far end of teh room... He says, "well, them there guys all put a 5-spot in this jar and take a chance at making the donkey laugh.

"$5," I ask? "Yep, $5," says the tar-bender. "Is that $5 total, or $5/joke?" "$5/night, but its been going on for about a week or three, so there's a couple-grand in teh jar, by now."

Meh...

I drops in 5 and goes up and whispers in the donkey's ear; at which point the donkey BREAKS OUT in wall-rocking laughter... Falls down on its knees, its laughing so hard, iin fact.

I polish off my beer, grab the jar, and walk out to spend my fortune elsewhere.

About 2-weeks later I happen to drop in on that SAME bar and, lo-and-behold, that SAME donkey has that SAME crowd in fron of him; except, THIS TIME, they're hurling insults like teh donkey knew them from the old neighborhood, or sunthin.

Paying for my beer, I ask what the deal it, this time.

Bartender says, "first one to make teh donkey cry collects the loot."

"How much is it up to?" I ask.

"Oh, about $1800.00

So, I drops in another five, walks over and leads the donkey into the back for a minute, and bring him out CRYIN' like a newborn baby. Tears just a rollin' down his long, hairy nose... Snifflin, and what not.

As I go to collect my jar-of-money, a man puts his hand on my arm and asks, "Please Sir, we tried and tried to get that damned donkey to laugh for about 2-3 weeks, and you walks in and does it on 2 minutes... How'd you do that?

"Well," says I, "I just told him my d1ck was bigger and longer than his, is all."

Everybody could easily see how such a statement would make a donkey laugh, and we all laughed at the ridiculousness of the statement.

"So," says a voice from the back of teh crowd... "How'd you make him cry?"

"Easy," I said, "I just took him in the back and showed him."

No SCHITT, it happened JUST LIKE THAT!

 

^heard that one before, very old joke, but your way of telling it makes it funny again (no ****, I was there).

How do you keep a moron busy for hours?

Refer to post 10 for answer...

 

AF member CCA4 works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Chris! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Chris. 'He's in my bowling league.

...

When they are seated, a waitress comes over and asks Chris if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Chris, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Chris-Baby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Chris's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Chris, obviously, follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Chris tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book; even goes so far as to make up a few new ones...

Then the cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Chris, you sure picked up a real bitch this time.'

Chris's funeral will be on Saturday.

 

Good one... RIP CCA4...