Official AudiForum Joke Thread
4th Gear
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,942
From: Constant State of Confusion
RE: Train Conductor....
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his *********. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"..
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his *********. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"..
1st Gear
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 238
From: outwest
RE: Train Conductor....
[blockquote]
Living Life Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards:[/align]
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're gene
rally Promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have
no Responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
Conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.[/align]
[/align]
I rest my case.[/align][/blockquote][/align]
1st Gear
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 16
From:
RE: Train Conductor....
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
4th Gear
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 5,942
From: Constant State of Confusion
RE: Train Conductor....
A penguin decides to take a break from the harsh Antartica winters and decides to travel across the US sunbelt states instead - but halfway across Arizona his rental car starts spewing smoke out the exhaust.
Next exit, the penguin pulls in and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 mins to diagnose the problem and why don't he go over to the diner and wait out of the heat.
Over at the diner, the penguin decides to have their special - an extra large hot caramel sundae. When the waitress brings it to him and since he has no opposable thumbs - he digs right in with both flippers making a considerable mess.
Without realizing it 30 mins passed and the penguin dashes over to the garage to see the mechanic, who's standing outside slowly shaking his head.
"Well it looks like you blew a seal..." the mechanic says.
"Oh no," the embarrassed penguin says, as he wipes his face, "that's just ice cream."
Next exit, the penguin pulls in and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 mins to diagnose the problem and why don't he go over to the diner and wait out of the heat.
Over at the diner, the penguin decides to have their special - an extra large hot caramel sundae. When the waitress brings it to him and since he has no opposable thumbs - he digs right in with both flippers making a considerable mess.
Without realizing it 30 mins passed and the penguin dashes over to the garage to see the mechanic, who's standing outside slowly shaking his head.
"Well it looks like you blew a seal..." the mechanic says.
"Oh no," the embarrassed penguin says, as he wipes his face, "that's just ice cream."
1st Gear
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 238
From: outwest
RE: Train Conductor....
Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
4th Gear
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5,647
From:
RE: Train Conductor....
ORIGINAL: Palindari
A penguin decides to take a break from the harsh Antartica winters and decides to travel across the US sunbelt states instead - but halfway across Arizona his rental car starts spewing smoke out the exhaust.
Next exit, the penguin pulls in and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 mins to diagnose the problem and why don't he go over to the diner and wait out of the heat.
Over at the diner, the penguin decides to have their special - an extra large hot caramel sundae. When the waitress brings it to him and since he has no opposable thumbs - he digs right in with both flippers making a considerable mess.
Without realizing it 30 mins passed and the penguin dashes over to the garage to see the mechanic, who's standing outside slowly shaking his head.
"Well it looks like you blew a seal..." the mechanic says.
"Oh no," the embarrassed penguin says, as he wipes his face, "that's just ice cream."
A penguin decides to take a break from the harsh Antartica winters and decides to travel across the US sunbelt states instead - but halfway across Arizona his rental car starts spewing smoke out the exhaust.
Next exit, the penguin pulls in and takes it to a mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 mins to diagnose the problem and why don't he go over to the diner and wait out of the heat.
Over at the diner, the penguin decides to have their special - an extra large hot caramel sundae. When the waitress brings it to him and since he has no opposable thumbs - he digs right in with both flippers making a considerable mess.
Without realizing it 30 mins passed and the penguin dashes over to the garage to see the mechanic, who's standing outside slowly shaking his head.
"Well it looks like you blew a seal..." the mechanic says.
"Oh no," the embarrassed penguin says, as he wipes his face, "that's just ice cream."
Hahahahahahha, That one gave me a good laugh
1st Gear
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 238
From: outwest
RE: Train Conductor....
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from fookin'skippin' "the Irishman said.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from fookin'skippin' "the Irishman said.
Senior Administrator
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 13,574
From: Lotsa places, currently Metro D.C., USA
RE: Train Conductor....
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway. I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms
again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your girlfriend called!
Before you return from your trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway. I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms
again.
Your loving wife.
P.S. Your girlfriend called!