A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

 

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a
packet of condoms at the pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter,and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package,
took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused.

So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked. Well, I was
so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and
lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her.

It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW,
I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she
asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

 

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, " Dust."

And then the fight started...

==========

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 Seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

=========

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

=========

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's licenseto verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

=========

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
''My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on Celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

===========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well
I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

 

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'you *******! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, he noticed he had his collar on backwards.



The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.



The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'



The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'



The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'



The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren he doesn't wear his collar that way!'



The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.



The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ''Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'

 

Why did the AUDI car bring a map to the race?

Because it wanted to take all the shortcuts "Audi" could find!