a couple decide they have to tighten their belts.She says "you're spending £16 pr week on 24 cans of beer,thats gotto stop!"
a week later he says "hang on your spending £28 pr week on make up"she says"yes but thats to make me look loverly and attractive"
he says
"thats what the ******* beer was for!"

 

off another group

Apparently the latest craze with clubbers is to fill a woman's v****a with
vodka and drink it out with a straw.





















Experts are now warning about the dangers of minge drinking.

 

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner An Australian, an
Irishman and a Scouser are in the bar.
They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's
Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him
over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "
My God! the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone.
It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in
trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong?" says Jesus.
The scouser shouts,
"F**k off, I'm on disability benefit!"

 

A crusty oldArmySergeant Majorfound himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young,idealistic females in attendance.

One of them approached the him for a conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be in a very serious mood.Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. I'm just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, lots of action."

The young lady, tiring of his reticence, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.[/align][/align]Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"[/align][/align]She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure haven't forgotten much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "Well, it's only 2130 now, ma'am."[/align]

 

Two men were driving through Nevada when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Nevada, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you overin Nevada, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license -- he's clean and givesthe guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on thewindow.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", thetrooper smackshim on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that ******* would have tried that **** with me!"

 

Haha, good one Palindari! So true!

 

lol. Yeah, that second one reminded me of LOTS of people that I go to school with.

 

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy says,"That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. Iknow you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replies"Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then hetakes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. Supe: "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!". Spidey: "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. Supe: "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman: "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." [/align]