An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...I'm telling everybody.'

 

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."

 

> > A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex,
> > she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to
> > love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you
> > love doing that?'
> >
> > 'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

 

An elderly couple from the East Coast was vacationing in the Southwest for the first time in their lives. For a long time, the husband has wanted a new pair of cowboy boots, and he finally had his opportunity to do so. He decided that, on their 2nd to last day of vacation in the Southwest, he would go out and buy a brand new pair of boots.

So, on the 2nd to last day of their vacation, the husband goes out and buys his boots. He's so proud of them, that he wears them all the way back to the hotel room, where his wife is reading a magazine. He walks in the door, and says:

"Honey, do you notice anything different about me?"

The wife looks up from her magazine and replies:

"No, sorry honey, I don't".

The husband is a little upset that his wife doesn't notice his new cowboy boots, so he walks a little closer to her and asks the same question:

"Honey, do you notice anything different about me now?"

The wife replies:

"No, sorry honey, I still don't".

At this point, the husband is really mad that his wife doesn't notice his new boots, so he goes into the bathroom, takes off all of his clothes, and walks back out wearing nothing but his new boots. He asks the same question:

"Honey, how about now?"

His wife looks up at him and says:

"Well, it was down yesterday, it's down today, and I'm pretty sure it will be down tomorrow".

The husband replies:

"Honey, the reason why it's down, is because it's looking at my NEW PAIR OF COWBOY BOOTS!"

His wife replies:

"Well, you should have bought a hat then."

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret , who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret , 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ !!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

'It was,' sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutch ed in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?"

 

...gotta love the golf jokes.

An Englishman, a Spainard, and an American are trapped on a deserted island. They are captured by a tribe of cannibals and tied up to await their fate. The chief of the tribe approaches the men and speaks, "We are a tribe of cannibals. We are going to kill all of you. We will eat your organs and flesh, make tools out of your bones, and canoes out of your skin. We are not all bad so you will each be able to decide how you will die." The Englishman grabs a gun, points it to his head, says "God save the Queen", and shoots himself and dies. The Spainard grabs a sword, says "God save the King", and slits his throat and dies. Now it is the Americans turn. He looks around and sees his two friends lying dead on the ground. He quickly grabs a fork and repeatedly stabs himself. After a few minutes, his entire body is covered in bloody wounds. The chief is becoming uncomfortable and asks the American, "Why do you choose such a long and agonizing death." The American looks and the chief and says, "How do you like your f#%king canoe now."

 

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Thinking they must have done something wrong, they try again the next night - twice - with similar results. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

 

LMAOoooooooo..




10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"