Official AudiForum Joke Thread
#23
09-19-2005, 11:01 AM
RE: Train Conductor....
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
[&:]
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
[&:]
#24
09-19-2005, 04:03 PM
RE: Official AudiForum Joke Thread
Sorry if you have heard this one. Kinda long.
A guy is dropping off his date after prom because he can not hold in the giant crap that he has to take any longer. They pull up in front of her house and she asks if he would like to come in for a little bit because her parents would really like to meet him. He accepted because he liked this girl so much and they went inside. As they walked through the door, the man noticed that the family was at the dinner table with 4 of their friends and he immediately became worried. He really had to take this crap. He sucked it in and was going to wait it out just for a little bit. The young couple went through all the introductions and sat down to eat desert. As the young man got about half way through his chocolate sundae, he had to blow off a little pressure and decided to let out a little gas. Ralph!, the mother yelled with a very disturbed tone. The young man looked around as he didn't know what she was talking about until he saw the dog sitting next to him on the floor. This was great! They were blaming my fart on the dog. He was suddenly a little more relieved and decided to let out another small fart. Ralph!!, she yelled again with a little more anger. The young man was so happy and relieved about the mother blaming it on the dog that he decided to let out the most monsterous fart he could and actually crapped his pants. The mother jumped up and screamed, Ralph, get away from that man before he craps all over you!!!
It's a little more funny if you tell it in person.
A guy is dropping off his date after prom because he can not hold in the giant crap that he has to take any longer. They pull up in front of her house and she asks if he would like to come in for a little bit because her parents would really like to meet him. He accepted because he liked this girl so much and they went inside. As they walked through the door, the man noticed that the family was at the dinner table with 4 of their friends and he immediately became worried. He really had to take this crap. He sucked it in and was going to wait it out just for a little bit. The young couple went through all the introductions and sat down to eat desert. As the young man got about half way through his chocolate sundae, he had to blow off a little pressure and decided to let out a little gas. Ralph!, the mother yelled with a very disturbed tone. The young man looked around as he didn't know what she was talking about until he saw the dog sitting next to him on the floor. This was great! They were blaming my fart on the dog. He was suddenly a little more relieved and decided to let out another small fart. Ralph!!, she yelled again with a little more anger. The young man was so happy and relieved about the mother blaming it on the dog that he decided to let out the most monsterous fart he could and actually crapped his pants. The mother jumped up and screamed, Ralph, get away from that man before he craps all over you!!!
It's a little more funny if you tell it in person.
#25
09-19-2005, 04:33 PM
RE: Official AudiForum Joke Thread
Jenny is going on a 3 week vacation to europe. She asks her sister Ann to take care of her beloved cat Whiskers while she is away. Jenny loves Wiskers and leaves detailed instructions on every aspect of caring for the cat while she is away.
As soon as Jenny returns from her vacation, she runs into the house looking for Whiskers...but can't find her. She asks Ann where the cat is, and Ann tells her that unfortunately Whiskers is dead....Jenny immediately launches into a screaming, hesyterical fit of sobbing....which goes on and on.....after about an hour of uncontrolled sobbing...the Jenny finally composes herself and asks what happened.
ANN:"well, Whiskers got stuck up on the roof after chasing a mouse and the fire department came".
...and she tells the long story of the scared cat and the failed rescue attempt and whiskers untimely demise....
JENNY: "you know you can't just come out and say "the cat is dead". It is just too harsh...next time you have bad news do deliver, you have to ease into it...prepare the person for the bad news that is comming. Bye the way, how is Mom doing?"
ANN: Well...Mom got stuck up on the roof.....
As soon as Jenny returns from her vacation, she runs into the house looking for Whiskers...but can't find her. She asks Ann where the cat is, and Ann tells her that unfortunately Whiskers is dead....Jenny immediately launches into a screaming, hesyterical fit of sobbing....which goes on and on.....after about an hour of uncontrolled sobbing...the Jenny finally composes herself and asks what happened.
ANN:"well, Whiskers got stuck up on the roof after chasing a mouse and the fire department came".
...and she tells the long story of the scared cat and the failed rescue attempt and whiskers untimely demise....
JENNY: "you know you can't just come out and say "the cat is dead". It is just too harsh...next time you have bad news do deliver, you have to ease into it...prepare the person for the bad news that is comming. Bye the way, how is Mom doing?"
ANN: Well...Mom got stuck up on the roof.....
#26
09-19-2005, 05:13 PM
RE: Official AudiForum Joke Thread
ORIGINAL: abacab
So...there used to be a kind of tradition of posting jokes on Fridays....well, maybe tradition is too strong a term. Anyway I think Amanda used to do this....
Anyway, thought I would get the ball rolling...this one is old, hope it is new to some!
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
So...there used to be a kind of tradition of posting jokes on Fridays....well, maybe tradition is too strong a term. Anyway I think Amanda used to do this....
Anyway, thought I would get the ball rolling...this one is old, hope it is new to some!
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
#27
09-27-2005, 02:18 PM
RE: Official AudiForum Joke Thread
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
#28
09-28-2005, 01:29 AM
RE: Official AudiForum Joke Thread
ORIGINAL: abacab
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
#30
09-28-2005, 10:09 PM
RE: Official AudiForum Joke Thread
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a *****.”
“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a *****.”
“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”