Newfoundland Golfing Tourney
>>
>>On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford
>>Fusion into a gas station in a remote out port. The pump attendant,
>>obviously
>>knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner
>>completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
>>
>>How's she cuttin' bye' says the attendant.
>>
>>Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
>>
>>As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
>>'What
>>are dose?' asks the attendant. 'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
>>
>>Well, what on god's earth are dey for?' inquires the attendant.
>>
>>They're for resting my ***** on when I'm driving', says Tiger.
>>
>>Fookin Jaysus', says the Newfoundlander, 'Ford tinks of everyting'!

 

How do you spot the Irishman in a hospital?


He's the one blowing the foam off the bedpans

 

OK there's a school teacher, a lawyer, and a priest on the Titanic when it starts to sink.
The teacher screams "Get the children to the lifeboats first! We have to save the kids!"

The lawyer responds "What? F*CK the kids!!"

The priest chimes in and says "Oh do you think we have time?"

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the Newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra..."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director slowly, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

 

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?", she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears. "

 

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender see's them as the come in and asks, 'What is this, some sort of joke?"



Three young men meet around the water cooler monday morning to share stories of their crazy weekends.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."


"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"


And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

 

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says, 'If you keep on behaving like this, you'll lose ALL your friends'

 

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'Send me a brother.'
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'

 

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
***************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant.
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant.
***************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted,
dad had a heart attack, & our neighbour ran away.
***************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
'Are all these kids yours??'
The man replies sarcastically,
'No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.'
***************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'
Dad says, 'You are my son. I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!