I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day
complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The
salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" He said, "Nelson"! The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
Willie!", he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and
if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but


I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "********!" Immediately the
French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara
Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John
Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy
Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted
Kennedy on scotch. Damn, I LOVE this car!!!!!

 

OK, I overheard tha follwoing conversation, last week, as I was takin my BabyMomma down to get her foodstamps an schitt:

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $ 90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bullshittin' me!"


The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegashooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks theHooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own thembecause I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

Theyretire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting onthebed realizing that He just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you seethatcasino just across the Street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to putoff the new car for another Year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but He feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pu$$y?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out be fore us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pu$$y."

 

hahahahahhahahahahah ^

 

literally LMFAO! literally! funniest **** i heard today!

 

Cross-post from another board I belong to. Hadda share. TOO funny, and works on a couple different levels.

VOODOO *****!

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied . He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo *****!"

The husband said "The what"! The man repeated " The Voodoo *****" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary *****. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a *****!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo *****, door!" The ***** rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo *****, return to box!" and the ***** stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo *****. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo *****, my crotch". The ***** shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.

After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo ***** thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Voodoo *****, my ***...!"

 

Q:What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

A:The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.


Q:What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?

A:There's twenty of them.

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper "Where's the money is hidden?"

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, ***** it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the ***** to pull the trigger."

 

So Jesus and Moses are sitting next to a lake in heaven. There just chilling out talking, then suddenly Moses says, I'm going to go see if I still got it. So he picks up a stick and walks into the lake a couple of feet and sticksa stick in the lake and the lake parts. He goes and sits down next to Jesus and says, yep i still got it. Jesus then says, I'm going to see if I still have it. So he walks out onto the lake about fifteen feet or so and then sinks into the water. Sputtering and drenched with water he sits back down next to Moses and says, man I wonder happened. Moses then says last time you tried to walk on water you didn't have those holes in your feet.

 

Why Men Have Better Friends...

Women's Friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.



Men's Friends:

A man didn't come home one night.. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.