Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 to $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

did you hear about the angry fly on the toilet seat?





he got pissed off

 

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

" My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, kid!I'm trying to crap!"

 

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's Disease"

 

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Thank you, Lord. Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes, or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I' m getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
yourwife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blond
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big *****, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

 

Little Johny's teacher gave the whole class a homework assignment to bring a story about a family member with a moral to class. When Monday rolls around the teacher has the students tell their stories.

First Suzie tells a story. "My Uncle has a farm, and I helped him with the chickens. We collected all of the eggs, put them in a basket, and drove to the market. But we hit a bump, and the basket went right out the window smashing all the eggs. The moral of the story is 'don't put all your eggs in one basket'"

Mary went next. "My Grandfather has a farm with chickens too. But we were hatching the eggs. there were 12 eggs, but only 10 hatched. The moral of the story is 'don't count your chickens before they hatch'"

Then it was little Johny's turn. "My uncle was a pilot in Vietnam. He got shot down over enemy territory. All he had when he ejected from the Airplane was a 6 pack of beer, a gun with 10 rounds, and a combat knife. There were 100 VC on the ground bellow. He drank the 6 pack on the way down, and when he landed he killed 10 of the VC with his gun, then he killed 73 More with his knife before it broke. He killed the last 17 with his bare hands."

The teacher was horrified by the graphic tale of violence and asked what possible moral this story could have.

Johny answered "Don't F*** with uncle Roy when he's been drinking!"

Edited for spelling

 

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a littlebit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nickwould work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day,Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Make sure you Pay your debts...

 

Mitch Hedburgs the man.....nuff said.

 

A good looking man walked into an agent's office inHollywood and said "Iwant to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, hehad the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is ***** van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get intoHollywood, you are going to have to change your name"

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I willnot disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVERgo far in Hollywood with a name like ***** van Lesbian! I'm telling you, youwill HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and heleft the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Insidethe envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000 The agent is awe-struck,who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become anactor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined tomake it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would nevermake it in Hollywood with a name like ***** van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had tochange my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signedwith another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, sothe enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke