LMFAO... these are all so damn good.

 

A newlywed couple are about to comsumate their vows in the hotel bridal suite when the bride looks over at her man and confesses that she's not a virgin.

"What?!?!? You mean?? Who was it?" he asks.

"Well it was waaay before we met and it was Tiger Woods." she replies.

Wow! The groom thinks about this. He's a respectable guy and and they both love golf... he tells her he forgives the oversight and they make love for the first time. Afterwards, the groom, sweaty and hungry, climbs out of bed.

"Honey, where are you going?" his panting bride asks.

"Well I thought I'd call room service."

"Well that's not what Tiger would do." she smiles coyly.

"Ok, what would Tiger do?"

"He'd make love to me again."

Not wanting to be outdone, the groom hops back in for another go. An hour later, the groom goes for the phone again for he's now starving - but again his voracious bride wants more.

"Again??"

"Well that's what Tiger would do..."

So again they go at it for another hour. Exhausted, sweat drenched and starving the groom manages to get to the phone and frantically starts puching buttons.

"Are you calling room service, sweetheart?"

"Hell no! I'm calling Tiger Woods!" he exclaims.

"You're calling Tiger?? Why??"

"I want want to know what's the f*cking par on this hole!!"

 

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

 

Iwas happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day my fiance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

oh, the sister one is great.

 

lol +1 im in class right now and i just busted up laughing... i got some funny looks but i think a few people behind me were reading it too cuz they started laughin too

 

3 tampons walking down the street.. why do none of em talk to ya ?





















cos











there all stuck up c***s

 

Times being hard financially as they are for married couples- Bob and Suzy decide to make a few extra bucks to help is for Suzy to become a hooker. After hours of discussion Suzy finally relents and agrees to Bob's idea.

On their first night, Bob drops Suzy on a popular corner then parks in the alley behind her. In no time a young fella in a truck pulls up and asks how much. Since they hadn't decided on pricing, Suzy excuses herself and goes over to Bob.

"How much do I charge?" she asks.

"Well lets go for $100."

Suzy goes back and tells the fella the price only to find out he has only $40 on him. Again, she excuses her and goes back to Bob.

"What now??"

"Well, he only has $40 on him - what do we do?"

"Only $40? Hell, give him a ******* for that!"

Suzy returns with the offer and the guy agrees. She climbs in the truck and they park in alley only a few feet from Bob in family stationwagon. Suzy gets down to business but after unzipping him what springs forth is the largestpenis she's ever seen causing her to pause and excuse herself once more.

Bob sees her coming so he rolls down his window "Yes, you have my permission to swallow..."

"No, it's not that," she replies, "I was wondering.... would you be a dear and loan him the other $60?"

 

ha ha ha ha thats so funny ... i am now gonna leave my office to go tell that joke !!!!

 

LOL... I got one, its not too funny, but I chuckled a little bit.


A smart blonde, a stupid blonde, and the Easter bunny go into a Casino to play a game of poker. You know who wins?



The Stupid blonde, because the other two don't exist.