lol well since I have a Redneck day by day calandar I will share todays joke


You might be a redneck if...... Your bar tab has page numbers.

lol

 

Yeah, I hadda search for it. It was too far back, given our *new* format, to easilyy find.

 

An Irishman walked out of a bar.

 

why do rednecks like to screw doggy style ?
so they can both watch NASCAR

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

 

Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,

I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,

he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with on wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

Sad News...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it

is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost

went unnoticed. Last week Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey

Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.



SHUT UP. You know it is funny.

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then ask your brother if would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use the money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep Brad Pitt for million dollars!" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts!! The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sittingon three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two *****
and a ***.

 

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Ok, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your Daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of ***!"

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw ! nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."