Since this is a forum for Cars, accessed on PC's, this one should fit in good:

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car,unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10.Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11.GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12.Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13.You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

here is a good one for you, there are more guests than members viewing this site ie: 100 members to 3,500 guests+ now why don't those guests become members??

 

That's not much of a joke.

Lurking is very common on forums. More people are likely to anonymously read than to jump in and start posting.

 

not really a joke but still funny as hell

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.


Alright girls. Repost this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, repost it.

Men, repost this because you have *****

 

LOL, i've heard that one before but that version is hilarious!

 

So, I picked up this girl, last night, while out trolling for some.. Yiou know...

Not a looker[sm=drooldude.gif], but, definitely not a "go-ugly-early" decision, either.[sm=icon_ladiesman.gif]

Half a dozen drinks later, and we're at her place. Nice joint. Decent furniture. Widescreen. Unusual variety of musical tastes. My kinda girl.

A couple more drinks[sm=alcoholic.gif] and we're headed for teh bedroom

First thing I noticed was that ONE WHOLE WALL was filled with shelf upon shel upon shelf of stuffed animals.[sm=wtf.gif]

The bottom two shelves were full of small ones. You know, like the kind you'd hang from your rear-view mirror.

The next two shelves hadl ones that were slightly larger.

The two up from that, slightly larger, still.

The topmost shelf held the BIG ones. Like, fit under your arm, but just barely, sized.

So, we're getting all hot & sweaty, and I'm resist9ng the urge to ask about the stuffed ZOO she's keeping; not wanting to break teh mood, you see...[sm=Awwww.gif]

I make it DO WHAT IT DO, and we drift of to a semi-drunken sleep.[sm=exactly.gif]

Next morning, as I'm hurriedly trying to get dressed, and up & OUT (guys, you know what I mean, right?), I decide to find out WTF is up with all teh stuffed animals she's keeping[sm=badidea.gif]

"So, ummmmm... Sugar (I don't really remember asking her her name, but I prolly did), what's teh deal with the stuffed animal collection you've got covering your WHOLE WALL?!?!?"

"Oh, that," she murmers, as she rolls back over and gropes for a pillow, "you can have one item from the bottom two shelves"[:-]

[:@][:@][:@]

I grabbed a Monkey-looking item and beat feet out[&o]

 

An OLDIE but a GOODIE:

A little boy was walking down the street dragging behind him a squashed dead frog.

He stops at a ***** house and asks for the dirtiest most disease infested ***** she had, and the woman shows him the way.

After finishing the woman notices the frog, and confused she asks whats with the frog?

The boy begins to explain:
You see ma'am when your ***** touched me she gave me the disease, and tonight when mommy and daddy leave and the babysitter touches me I'm going to give her the disease, and when daddy takes the babysitter home and touches her she is going to give daddy the disease, and when daddy comes home and touches mommy he's going to give mommy the disease, and tomorrow when the milk man comes and mommy touches him she's going to give him the disease and That's The Mother F****r Who Ran Over My Frog!!!

 

Another CLASSIC

Randy The Rooster

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

 

How do you spot the Irish guy in a hospital?








He's the one blowing the foam off the bedpans

 

Nice.